From the age of ten I've felt as though I'm constantly being compared to prettier friends, measured up against them and repeatedly being dismissed as not good enough, average, or the ugly one. It's not paranoia, it's true.
When I was ten I was this chubby kid with a massive forehead who developed too fast and had zits before anybody else.
When I was twelve, I didn't realise tying your hair up every day made you look hideous, so I did it. Boys would ask me out, and I'm pretty certain it was just for a laugh, as in let's ask out that ugly girl so that when she says yes we can laugh at her. I said no, sometimes with a snigger or a laugh, because it was already embarrassing enough to be ugly, I wasn't going to be naive too.
When I was thirteen I dyed my hair and bought new clothes and started wearing make up and began to look ok-ish, and in bursts would feel slightly less ugly.
When I was fourteen I wore more make up and attempted to diet and became skinnier and did start going out with boys who for some miracle reason weren't taking the piss when they asked me out.
Between the ages of fourteen and sixteen I tried every hair colour, style, amount of make up, brand of make up, the skimpiest and the most conservative clothes, and it didn't matter how many people who paid me attention or who I fucked in bathrooms at parties, I always knew it was never because I was anything special to look at. When I started dating girls, I would secretly compare myself to them in every aspect of being and strive to be the skinniest because if life hadn't blessed me with nice facial features or a perfect curvy body, at least I could have one thing that people seemed to want. I never felt beautiful with visible ribs, still felt the same crushing inadequacy. It never goes away.
At seventeen, I gained some weight and had a brief phase of going to the gym and eating a lot in an attempt to be a different kind of beautiful. No luck.
When I turned eighteen and started going out to clubs, I made a group of friends who I see a couple of times a week at my favourite club. Once I brought another friend along and ALL NIGHT people were coming up to me and pointing out how gorgeous my friend is. I left the club crying an hour and a half early. It will never end.
I wish I didn't care. I really do. I could hone another skill - I could be a creative genius, I could strive to be the funny one in the group, or I could work hard and be really intelligent. But I don't WANT to be any of those things. I want to be beautiful so that instead of all the meaningless fucks and shallow relationships and being there to fill other people's lonelinesses, someone wonderful would fall in love with me and we would be happy.
It's all so irrational and awful, but it feels real all the same. I KNOW I'm not completely hideous, and yeah maybe I should be greatful that I'm skinny, and that I have some good personality traits. But I'm so SICK of being compared to others, or being surrounded by beautiful girls and overlooked because my hair isn't good enough and my skin isn't good enough and my stupid useless face isn't good enough.
I am too OLD for all this teenage bullshit. I thought by now I would have grown up and seen the light, or whatever. That maybe I'd be comfortable being ok/average/kinda pretty in some lights, but I'm still not. And it kills me that it's so beyond my control - to have been born so fucking average. I'm of average intelligence, I'd say, yet as a kid I was super smart, and if I actually worked some, I could be a bit smarter. But this fucking appearance thing - it's impossible. You're born the way you are and you either have to learn to tolerate your own face or be miserable forever and aksndlkdbvoirwbvgwlvs I'm only writing this because I don't want to say all of this to anybody I know, my whole image is based on PRETENDING to be ok with how I look but sometimes I CAAAAANATNTAWCDNALCNBLVS